The Grit Clinic: Carpet Capers

15 May

Q: Dearest GD. I had a household related disaster last week, and now my carpet is covered in the lovely green gloss paint that we used to paint the bedroom. The good news is we were intending to get new carpet anyway. The bad news is that due to building work we can’t get one till the end of the summer.

But AGH! The STAIN! It stares at me like a reprimand every time I see it, now half-shifted by industrial carpet cleaners – which is are starting to make the rest of the carpet look grubby…

Do I continue to do penance by cleaning this horrific stain, or resign myself to its presence until at least September? And, either way, how do I excuse it to people when they inevitably come to visit, without seeming like the clumsy oaf I secretly am?

A: I am not sure whether the carpet stain is in your bedroom, if so query why all your guests are getting such a close look in? I am going to assume that this stain has occurred in the communal living space for my own peace of mind….

I can see three obvious solutions:

1. Rip up the carpet and go for a ‘distressed/retro’ floorboard look from now until September. It is actually surprising how underneath so many carpets lie some really quite attractive floorbards that only need a bit of a clean/sand down to scrub up very well (consider the ripping up of the carpet, cleaning and sanding down of the boards to be your penance my dear). If anyone dares to ask why your floor looks so shabby, give them a quizzical/slightly ‘oh-dear-I-can’t-BELIEVE-how-last-year-you-still-are’ look and direct them to some obscure Japanese home furnishings website so avant-garde they will never dare challenge your taste again.

2. Move a piece of heavy furniture to sit on top of the offending green area and when people comment on the incredibly wierd and un-feng-shui arrangements in your living room, simply say – very confidently – either a) ‘Didn’t you know its incredibly ZEN to have your sideboard askew and in the centre of the room?’ or, b) ‘Yes a chair placed in this way is part of a psychology experiment I am conducting with my boyfriend and it is SOOOOO interesting who decides to sit in it and what questions they ask’ (*flip page over on clip board and scribble notes furiously, then look up and say casually, ‘oh didn’t you know I was studying for a masters in psychology at night school’?*)

3. Grit out putting up with the stain and create a brilliantly sexy tale as to how it got there….

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