Gritty love dilemmas

1 Jul

Dear Grit Doctor,

I tweeted you a while ago about a male friend situation and you asked me to email you the story, well I’m finally getting my shit together by sitting down and detailing the story and bracing myself for some honest advise.

So for the purpose of this story I will refer to my friend as B. He’s 32 ( five years my senior) and 100% straight.

He’s my neighbour and we live in the countryside where neighbours know everything about you, I know his family well too.

So B and I tumbled around a little when I was 17 and naive.

He soon began a eight year relationship after that and I went to college and got on with things and we had no contact.

Six years ago exactly we rekindled a little of a relationship ( and by relationship I mean we spoke to each other). Six months later we slept together and we sort of continued sleeping together in a no strings attached kind of way.

They say a relationship never blossoms from a ‘FB’ ( and that isn’t an acronym for Facebook) but for us we actually have become really good friends.

Since January of this year we have grown very close, I tell him everything – he tells me everything – he sees the ugly, the good and the bad in me. He has told me a zillion times over that I’m his best friend and whoever comes along ( his future girlfriend / my future boyfriend) that they will have to accept our friendship.

He phones me 5 /6 times a day and we just talk, he tells me his shit, I say my shit, he mocks me, does impersonations of me and we laugh, we fight too and sometimes we slam down the phone on each other.

The problem for me though is that I do get pangs of jealously when he says ‘I got a number last night’ and I haven’t had anything of concrete with a man in about seven years.

I don’t want to blow my own trumpet but I’m an attractive lady ( although at the moment I could do with a few runs of ‘Run Fat Bitch Run’ – I haven’t consciously held back from other men because of B

I haven’t slept with anyone in seven years bar B but I’m not the girl that would sleep with strangers either.

At the moment I feel like I’m going to get hurt, he’s hurt me in the past and it’s not his fault either.

He has spelled it out to me, he loves me as a friend, he wants me in his life and no woman will come between us. But I must feel something because why else would I be sending you a mails.

I can’t just stop talking to me, because he means a lot to me. He’s been there for me.

But what do I do?????

A: Dear Shel,

I’m afraid this is exactly the scenario, give or take some details to the one I found myself in and that I wrote about obliquely in GYST…about being in love with the guy that doesn’t love you back. Because I think you are in love with Mr B. Like you, I didn’t sleep with anyone other than him and although, like you, I wasn’t consciously not not going out with anyone else, I had one of those eureka moments (brought about by going on an intensive ‘self-help’ weekend course) that of course I wasn’t going to meet anybody because my heart belonged to him. It was a simple (if unbelievably gritty) case of spelling it out to him in black and white: ‘we get on so well, fancy each other, best mates, soul mates etc etc so surely we should be together’ and his answer was no. I think unless you are the sort of woman who finds it easy to love lots of people simultaneously, then you are not going to meet anyone else until you knock this one on the head.

Firstly, after the brutal chat (which you must have just to make sure he doesn’t want to give it a go or you will forever wonder), you have to stop spending so much time with him and give yourself real opportunities to meet other people. When you do meet that other special person your need to remain as close as you are with Mr B will dramatically diminish – trust me – but you will always be friends so won’t lose anything in the long run because that is all he is offering you anyway. My Mr B is Godfather to one of the twins and honestly now, I feel a bit sorry for him – he is 40 this year and has still not met the right person because he is chasing perfection which as we know doesn’t exist, and will probably end up alone despite being such a gorgeous guy. I feel none of those feelings for him anymore because once you meet the right man the sheer force of his love for you will knock you sideways..you will feel so strong and beautiful and loved and you will wonder why you wasted time over Mr B who can’t quite see just how amazing you are or doesn’t have the balls to commit and frankly just wants to have his cake and eat it. And doesn’t want you to be happy with someone else.

You have to be brutal with him and with yourself. Stop seeing him and speaking to him so much and tell him you have feelings for him beyond the relationship and so it is hurting you to continue as it is. Lay down some firm boundaries so you can be free of him and find true love elsewhere. If he doesn’t want to be THE ONE then he doesn’t deserve you hon. There will be a whole bunch of guys that will relish the opportunity to be THE ONE and the time has come for you to introduce yourself to them all….

The Grit Doctor says:

True love – when it comes your way – is grit-free. Accept nothing less.

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3 Responses to “Gritty love dilemmas”

  1. RachelCohen July 1, 2013 at 8:55 pm #

    Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Brilliant advice, Ruth. Hard to hear but really…read this back..” I got a number last night” ” no woman will come between us”…I’m sure he really, really likes you, but no man who loves you properly could even countenance the thought of you being with anyone else, or think of being without you himself. Try and distance yourself now, you make the decision..hard though I will be. You can be best friends but don’t waste any more romantic time on him. Listen to the Gritmeister!! Good luck, and much love from one who’s been there!! X

  2. caroline July 2, 2013 at 7:21 am #

    oh what perfect heart wrenching advice.Memories of my own heart break are still with me 20 yrs later. We all have had ( or not had in the end!!) Mr B. No such thing as platonic when both parties are very attractive looking & there is/was chemistry there.
    oh I don’t envy you. Be nice to yourself and surround yourself with nice people but there is only so much of the drowning in sorrow one/friends can repeatedly listen to and only you will know the real pain of a broken heart. Don’t attack you fridge (maybe your own cake and eat it and then burn it off!!!!) this makes you feel worse go for a run…..a very long run.

  3. surfergrl July 4, 2013 at 8:50 am #

    Tough but spot on advice. Be hard on yourself, and him too! xx

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