Mr SHIT

26 Jul

Hi.

I need some serious grit to get through the last week.

I am a single mother, work full time in a stressful job but manage pretty well however I have no time for myself. We eat out most nights because I am so tired and don’t really want to go home to an empty house and unsurprisingly my self esteem is pretty well shot.

Last week I received an anonymous text message advising me my ex husband remarried five years ago and lives with his new wife and her child.

He denied this until I approached his sister who advised that it was the truth.

I am in complete shock. We had a very amicable relationship. We spoke or texted a couple of times a week, we would lunch together as a family after rugby and he would occasionally look after my son on a Saturday at my house if I had something on.

He has taken complete advantage of me, i had continued to pay his health insurance, would lend him my car etc etc. I feel humiliated, embarrassed, hurt and so angry that he would do this

My son is devastated

I can’t believe the last five years have been a complete lie.

Grit doctor I need your advice.

Fiona

Wow Fiona this is a truly horrible state of affairs, and my thoughts and sympathies are very much with you at this tricky time. I take it that you split up a long time ago, I also take it that you broke up before he took up with his new wife and child, so more than five years ago? I certainly hope at the very least that this is the case.

So it turns out he is a total shit. You must have known this already on some level hence splitting up from him in the first place. Perhaps the amicable state of your relationship was proving to be an obstacle in helping you meet someone new or making positive changes in your life? Texting him a few times a week – is/was this healthy for you? Was it helping you meet someone new and giving your confidence a much needed boost? It doesn’t seem that way.

First things first, stop his health insurance, car borrowing and any other perks. Try to resist poisoning your son against him as there is nothing to be gained by point scoring in this way. But use this bombshell to transform your relationship with your ex. You are in charge, you call the shots, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on so has to agree with your wishes. Use this as an opportunity to cut him out of YOUR life for good (whilst trying to ensure he maintains a healthy relationship with your son – which does not need to involve you above and beyond basic logistics).

Then, give yourself a break and try to cheer yourself up. You sound lonely and down and this totally understandable, but only you can break this cycle. Only you can choose to be healthier, to eat better, to explore something different. To be brave. Ask yourself what things you used to enjoy back in the good old days? Look at ways of re-introducing them back into your life. If you don’t like being on your own at home in the evenings, get friends round for supper, make it a ‘thing’ that you each cook for eachother once or twice a month. Make it a game/competition if you like and give each other scores/prizes. Involve your son if that would be fun for him. If not, pay him to be your waiter/maitre d/sou chef for the occasion. Get your 2 fave girlfriends round and make them each bring a bloke they know to introduce you to. It doesn’t have to be stressful either; you can cook something so simple the night before, so you only need to reheat it, or something super fresh and quick (I’ll give you the recipes if you like once you finally get your shit together and organise a date)!!!! If food isn’t your thing, or these ideas make you cringe, spend some time working out what you would like to do instead and then set about making it happen. Get your ex to look after your son on those evenings when you are pursuing this new hobby/past-time. If you can’t think of anything positive to do, take up running!

The awful truth is that YOU CHOOSE. You either choose to let this news destroy you and push you further into negative patterns and lower self-esteem, or you choose to become the invigorated life giving force of nature that I’ve no doubt you once were.

The Grit Doctor says:

Sever those final ties with Mr Shit and channel all that anger and hurt and humiliation into creating something new for yourself and your life.

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One Response to “Mr SHIT”

  1. Pauline Lay July 27, 2013 at 6:46 am #

    He sounds like a total F**ktard (cross between a F**kwit and a bastard). Celebrate that he is out of your life for good! Continue to put aside the money that you have been paying his insurance with and plan an amazing holiday. You may not realise it but the news of his remarrying is a blessing. You go girl – be the best Fiona you can be for you and your son.

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